Because so many parents have a difficult time acknowledging that their children are sexual and grow up to have sex lives, it is great that your daughter felt comfortable enough to share with you her decision to have sex. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to have ongoing conversations and share your advice and support — the information that you can share is likely to be more valuable to her than what she is likely to hear from her peers or anywhere else.

You may want to find out if her sexual activity is self-motivated or imposed by someone else. If it's self-motivated, it is a lot less likely that she is being abused. It may also be important to find out if her partner is a peer or an older person. If her partner is considerably older than she is, there may be legal issues to talk about with her. But be gentle — she may already be feeling pressure and may be having very mixed feelings. Your conversations with her should be more trust-building than challenging.

Perhaps one of the most important guidances that you can offer your daughter is to talk with her about the emotional and physical risks associated with having sex — for people of any age. She may need help understanding the ways that she needs to protect herself from abuse, unintended pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infection. This includes obtaining and learning how to use a reliable form of birth control and condoms.

The emotional issues that you may want to discuss are important, too:

• Having sex can be wonderful, whether or not it includes intercourse. But sometimes it is not very joyous. And having sex can make people — no matter how old they are — feel very vulnerable, and they can get hurt.
• Peer pressure is powerful — even if it is only perceived pressure. Young people may feel as though everyone their age is having sex. But only about half of high school students have ever had intercourse. Far fewer have it on a regular basis, and many kids who have had sex wish that they had waited.
• When we become sexually active, we need to be clear with ourselves and our partners about the things we want and don't want to happen — before things get carried away. This may feel hard to do because it may seem that sex is something that "just happens" But it is important to talk about because our partners can't read our thoughts.
• Kids, as well as adults, need to know that they can stop having sex at anytime — there is no rule that says once a person starts having sex she or he has to continue to do so! In fact, nearly all women and men are abstinent at various times in their lives. Abstinence after the initiation of sexual activity can be a positive way of dealing with our sexuality — a well-thought-out choice regarding our bodies, minds, spirits, and sexual health.

One way that you can show your daughter that you commend her efforts to make responsible choices for herself is to offer to make an appointment with a family planning center. To make an appointment with your nearest Planned Parenthood health center to discuss contraception and safer sex options, call toll-free 1-800-230-PLAN.

Not all teens are ready for sex and all of its potential consequences. Talk with her. If she does continue to have sex — get her on a birth control method and make sure she uses condoms for protection against sexually transmitted infections. Also, if she feels old enough to have sex, she's old enough for other adult responsibilities — an after-school job, straight A's, extracurricular activities. Hopefully, she will gain a sense of how life as an almost-adult is. Having sex is an adult act, and if she feels she is adult enough to do this, she should feel how it is to be treated like an adult.

EXPERT'S NOTE ON TEEN RESPONSE
This teen's response demonstrates how teens often think about the world — as black or white, right or wrong. It's often difficult for teens to see that life is more frequently grey than it is black or white, often more complicated than just right or wrong. That's one of the reasons teens can be so hard on their parents, each other, and themselves. It's the parents' job to help their kids understand themselves as unique individuals with their own special needs, challenges, and solutions, which are often much more subtle than black or white, right or wrong. Very rarely is it as simple as just saying, "No!"