It sounds as though you are frustrated for a couple of reasons. The first is because it seems that you and your daughter's mother are not on the 'same page' about parenting your daughter. This can be very difficult as a parent, but it may also have a negative effect on your child as well, which is exactly what you referred to — sending your daughter 'mixed signals.' The second reason this situation is frustrating is because you want to have a good relationship with your daughter, and you don't right now.
Perhaps the best way to tackle these interrelated issues is to first address — for yourself — why you think that it is 'wrong' for your daughter to sleep over her boyfriend's house. Do you have a moral or religious objection? Could it be that your own parents had this rule? Or is it because you believe that spending the night may make it more convenient for them to have sex? Are you afraid that your daughter may become pregnant? It is likely that there is more than one factor contributing to your concerns. Take some time to think about these reasons, and how you will talk about them with your daughter and her mother.
Once you are more clear about the reasons why you think it's inappropriate for your daughter to spend the night at her boyfriend's house, have a conversation about it with your daughter's mother. Express your concern that your daughter may be getting mixed signals, which will not help her make the best decisions she can. Remind her that you want to be a part of your daughter's life, and that you don't feel as though you currently are. Ask if she's willing to have a timed conversation in which you both get to say what is important to you and you both promise to listen to what's important for one another.
For the conversation, you both will need to give one another a set amount of time, say 15 minutes, to describe your point of view without interruption. It will help you both to think about the exact words you want to say before you have the discussion — that way, you are more likely to get your points across in a non-argumentative way. This will lead to better communication about your conflicting values. It will be very helpful if you can agree to listen without getting into a fight about this. Hopefully, you can both agree that it's important for parents to be on the same page about the rules and limits they each want to set for their children. This often means that compromises need to take place.
First listen to each other carefully. One for 15 minutes. The other for 15 minutes. Uninterrputed! Second, identify the values you agree on. Third, identify the elements that you disagree on. Fourth, listen to each other describe the ways you both may be willing to compromise so that you can speak with your daughter in a single voice. For example, you both may agree that it's too soon for your daughter to have a baby. But you may disagree about whether having sex is okay. So the unified message could be: we disagree about whether it would be good for you to start having sex, now. But we do agree that it would be challenging for you to become pregnant. So, bottom line, we hope that if you decide to have sex that you will protect yourself.
Now it's time to talk with your daughter. You can begin by telling her why you think it's wrong for her to sleep over her boyfriend's house — the same reasons you discussed with her mother. Talk about how you feel. Allow her mother to talk about how she feels. Review what you agreed on. What you disagreed on. What you can compromise about. Be aware that your body language and tone of voice will be sending messages about how you feel. Try not to incite arguments. Be as generous as you can.
Teens do not necessarily want to be 'lectured' — they have thoughts and feelings that they often want to share with their parents, too. Remember, that your daughter is a young adult and simply telling her 'no' without giving a reason may lead her to want to automatically rebel. On the other hand, making this a two-way conversation — allowing your daughter to talk and ask questions, too — will likely help her feel that you value her input. This is important in order to repair your relationship. It may also set a foundation for your daughter to come to you in the future to discuss other important matters.
My daughter is 15 and told me that she and her boyfriend are not sexually active. I believed her at the time, but now she is asking if she can spend the night at his house. She claims that she will be sleeping in a different room. I do not feel this is appropriate, but her Mother and the Boyfriend's Mother do not seem to feel it is wrong. This has driven a wedge between my daughter and I. She no longer wants my opinion because she can run to her Mother. I feel this is dangerous ground, but am more worried that she is getting such mixed signals from the adults in her life. What would be the best way for me to handle this? Currently we are really not talking.
