You did a great job in telling your daughter that you would talk with her at another time — when you felt more comfortable and better prepared. In general, try to have these conversations with your child as close as possible to the moment she asks a question about sex. This is a good idea for a number of reasons. Responding to your daughter quickly will help to normalize the topic of sexuality in your home, so that she will feel comfortable and confident to bring her concerns to you. In addition, by addressing your daughter's queries right away you will likely avoid giving her the impression that sex is something that you don't want to talk about because it's wrong or "dirty."
It's also important to know — for your own peace of mind — that many parents are uncomfortable when they broach the topic of sexuality with their children. For some people it's because their own parents did not talk about sex. For others it is difficult to admit that their children are sexual beings. Some parents are even concerned that they don't have all the answers. But the fact that you are preparing to talk now, even though you froze at first, is very important — you are letting your child know that you are there for her, to help her work through her questions and concerns.
Children receive sexual messages from the time they are born — from the media, including T.V., the Internet, books, and advertising, and from their peers. Unfortunately, a lot of this information is inaccurate or erroneous. Therefore, parents have the opportunity to give their children the most accurate and straightforward information about sex possible.
So, when you do sit down to talk with your daughter, be open about the fact that you were reluctant to have this discussion. You might say something such as: "Remember when you asked me about sex the other day? Well, I'd like to talk with you about it now, but I'm a little uncomfortable because my parents didn't talk to me about sex. But this is important and I want you to come to me with your questions, so let's start talking now …"
Begin by telling your daughter that when people have sex they usually kiss and touch each other's bodies in ways that feel good. For many people having sex is one way to be intimate — close — with someone they care about because it's pleasurable. And sometimes, people have sex because they want to have a baby.
Be sure to talk about how deciding to have sex is a big decision that requires careful consideration. Let your daughter know about the risks involved with sexual activity. There are physical risks, such as sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy, and emotional risks, too, like feeling vulnerable.
In addition, have a discussion about the differences between women's and men's bodies so that you can eventually have a discussion about how pregnancy occurs. You can use diagrams online or from a book to describe female and male sex organs and their functions. The next thing you may want to introduce is the topic of puberty and how young women's and young men's bodies and feelings change during this time. The information will help her know what to expect in the years ahead so that she can be prepared for these changes.
Remember, learning about sexuality is a life-long process, one step at a time. So try not to feel as though you need to tell your daughter everything all in one sitting. Begin a discussion soon, but understand that this is just the beginning — you are paving the way for a lifetime of talks. At the end of each conversation, ask your daughter whether she has any questions. If you don't know the answer to something she asks, you can research it together. And let your daughter know that you look forward to having more talks like this with her in the future.
My 8 year old came to me and wanted to know what it means to have sex. I froze and didn't know what to say. I told her we would talk later. What do I tell her?
