You’ve raised some complicated issues. A good place to start is to ask your children about their thoughts and how they feeling. Depending on your children’s responses, you can use the following information to guide your discussions.

The first is talking to your children about the divorce. Depending on your children’s ages, you may choose to give them more or less information at first. Begin by explaining why marriages end in a more general way. For example, explain that when people are not happy with each other anymore and cannot work out their differences, they may get a divorce. This can be hard, and a lot of changes happen, but in the end, divorce may help life improve for everyone involved. Eventually you can talk about more specific reasons for marriage dissolution—sometimes one person falls in love with another person, which is what happened in your family’s case.

The next thing you’ll want to talk about is your sister’s sexual orientation, which refers to the gender of the people for whom we have sexual desire and feel deep emotional connections. Explain that being heterosexual, or straight, means being attracted to people of the other gender. On the other hand, being homosexual, or gay or lesbian, means being attracted to people of the same gender. Also, mention that some people are attracted to both genders — they are bisexual. Help your children understand that sexual orientation is largely determined before birth, but may seem to shift throughout one's lifetime. It's not, however, something that people decide for themselves or for anyone else.

Let your children know that your sister and your best friend care very deeply for one another and are in a loving relationship. Tell your children that most gay, lesbian, and bisexual people want the same things in life as straight people—fulfilling personal, family, and work lives. All of us want to have happy and healthy relationships, and for most people that includes being in loving relationships with people who help us feel good about ourselves and the world around us. Many gay, lesbian, and bisexual people also become parents and raise children. Many choose to be in domestic partnerships—life-long commitments to one another that are similar to marriage. In some countries, like Canada, Spain, and the Netherlands, and in the states of California and Massachusetts, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people may legally marry people of the same sex.

With regard to your “new family” explain to your children that there are many different kinds of families. Good, healthy families are made up of people who care about and respect one another. And they are supportive of the people they care about. Sometimes, families are made up of heterosexual people who may or may not be married or have children. Families are also made up of gay people, too. Remind your children that your sister and best friend are still the same people they always were, but now you all know this extra, important information about them. And help your children understand that, while gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are different from straight people in some ways, being different is normal! Regardless of sexual orientation—or any difference that makes each of us special—all people deserve to be treated with respect.

Unfortunately, your children also need to know that there are some people who don't accept homosexuality and have negative attitudes—even fear and hatred—toward gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. This is called homophobia. Since it sounds like you live in a community where most families are “traditional” ones, you may want to look to the Internet for support groups. A great place to start is PFLAG ("Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”). Visit them at http://www.pflag.org/. PFLAG is a national organization that has local chapters in many communities throughout the country—there may be one located close to where you and your family live. The nearest PFLAG chapter can help you and your family deal with all the new changes in your family’s life.