Your daughter is very brave for telling adults at school that she was sexually assaulted. Being the survivor of sexual violence can make someone feel a range of emotions, including anger, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, isolation, sadness, and mistrust of others. So it can be extremely difficult to disclose to someone that you’ve been sexually assaulted.
It’s perfectly normal for you to feel “helpless” because your daughter hasn’t talked with you directly about the assault. But hopefully you have some solace in the fact that she was able to trust adults at school. They gave her the best advice — to seek help, which she did. This is really important because your daughter has been able to get the professional counseling help that she needs.
Even though you seem very supportive of your daughter’s therapy, it makes sense that you want to provide her with further help. This must be very difficult as a parent — to want to help your child heal, when she doesn’t want to discuss the assault or how she is feeling with you.
It may be that you might benefit from a few sessions of professional counseling in order to come to grips with the feelings you may have about being shut out of your daughter’s healing process.
Your suggestion that group therapy may be helpful for your daughter is right on target.
Some people do find it helpful to participate in group sessions, in addition to private, individual counseling sessions, when grappling with difficult issues.n Attending group meetings with other teens who were sexually assaulted may help your daughter feel less alone as she works through her feelings and begins to heal.
You may want to research local group therapy sessions that she may or may not choose to attend. You can begin by contacting these national organizations by phone or online: the National Sexual Violence Resource Center 1-877-739-3895, www.nsvrc.org, and RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) 1-800-656-4673, www.rainn.org/. Ask whether there are groups for teens in your area. Then you can offer this idea and information to your daughter. Remember, however, that she may not want to participate in a group right now. But you have helped by gathering this information and offering your daughter this option in case she is interested in the future. It’s essential that you let your daughter know that you are there for her if and when she is ready to talk with you, without pushing the issue on her.
Dealing with a sexual assault is difficult, and the healing process is different for every person. People don’t necessarily “get over” what happened to them, but they learn ways to cope with the feelings they have. As survivors come to terms with their assault and try to regain normalcy, they may react in different ways. Some people withdraw and stop participating in the activities that they used to enjoy. Other people may do more self-destructive things, such as using drugs or self-injuring.
Many experts believe that self-injuring (such as cutting, burning, or otherwise physically hurting one’s self) is a way that people attempt to release or express emotional pain and feelings that they are having a hard time coping with. It has been estimated that millions of teens self-injure. And approximately fifty percent of people who have experienced sexual violence hurt themselves this way. Some people require professional help, and sometimes medication, to help them stop self-injuring.
It is very important that your daughter’s psychologist know about her self-injuring behaviors, so that they be addressed in therapy. But this is very delicate because it is also imperative that you to continue to respect your daughter’s privacy and her confidential relationship with her psychologist. However, because your daughter is a minor, it’s appropriate for you to communicate with her psychologist. Especially in this situation where your daughter is hurting herself — you have the right as her parent to discuss the self-injuring with her therapist to ensure that she receives the specific help she requires.
Perhaps you can have a brief conversation with your daughter about your concerns. You might say something such as, “I’ve noticed the scabs and scars on your arms and legs and I’m worried that you are hurting yourself. I know that you are dealing with a lot, but this is something that your therapist needs to know about.” Tell her that you would like to talk directly with the psychologist about the “skin picking,” and that you will do so without breaking any confidences.
Your daughter’s healing will be a life-long process. Remind her everyday how courageous she is for talking about her sexual assault and for getting help. Reassure your daughter that you love her and are there for her, whenever she may want your help.
My daughter, 14, just graduated eighth grade. We were told that throughout the school year our child had become emotional and distraught on several occasions while at school. About a month ago we were called into school on an emergency basis and were advised that our daughter revealed to a teacher, her advisor, and the school psychologist that she was sexually assaulted in the fall of 2007. She said that she was not raped, that there was no chance that she was pregnant, and that she is never, now, in a situation where this could happen again. She also told them that upon their suggestion she called an 800 number to talk. She wouldn't provide further details and won't let me talk to her about it. She is seeing a psychologist weekly, but will not discuss this subject. I feel helpless and upset that she won't talk to me or anyone else about what happened. She has also repeatedly picked her arms and legs and caused scars. Is there anything else that I can do? Are there any group sessions that she can attend where teenagers are in similar situations? Please help me help her.
