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ASK THE EXPERTS
 I myself am a teen, I'm 14. I have done some things that my parents would probably not agree with. Now I feel guilty because they told me that I was too young for it but I feel that I'm ready. Now I feel like I have to tell them but I don't want to get into trouble or have them mistrust me in the future. Could you please give me some guidance here?
Because I feel like right now it's best to leave them in the dark — because if I don't, I don't think that they'll ever allow me to make my own decisions. Thanks.
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 Many teenagers share similar worries about being honest with their parents Many parents encourage their kids to delay sexual and other activities until they are older because they want to protect them from physical and emotional harm. It is also difficult for many parents to see their young teenagers as being able to make more adult decisions — it seemed like just yesterday that their teens were born, and now they’re thinking about sex, about drinking, and about drugs?!? So if you decide to tell your parents about choices you’ve made despite their advice, they may feel betrayed, frustrated, anxious, angry, or all of the above. Or they may be relieved that you’ve gone to them openly and honestly. Only you can tell from your experience with them how they are likely to react.
If you let your parents know that you understand where they’re coming from and you value their views, it might put them more at ease. If you decide to talk with them, here are five steps for you to consider:
- First, find a quiet time and place to bring up the subject.
- Second, it may be helpful to start with one parent first.
- Three, let them know that you want to be honest with them — especially when you haven’t followed their advice — because you respect their feelings and opinions. They may still be upset, but hopefully they will respect your honesty and openness.
- Four, try to explain to them calmly why you have made your decisions. They may feel better knowing that you have thought through the risks and consequences, and that you are taking the proper steps to stay safe. And be open to listening to their concerns.
- Five, if the conversation starts getting heated, suggest that you continue it later when everyone is calmer. That will give you all time to think and reflect on what the other has said. It is hard to have a good conversation when people are feeling upset. The important thing is to make sure the conversation does continue!
Your parents might do the things you are worried about — punish or mistrust you. If so, you will need to try to rebuild their trust. Or they might surprise you, listen to what you have to say, and thank you for owning up honestly to what you have done.
You need to trust your intuition about what the right thing to do is. Ultimately, you will have to weigh the costs of hiding the truth with the risks of being honest. You need to make a decision that you can live with. Your relationship with your parents will change as you grow up, and all of you will be challenged with how to stay close to one another while giving each other room to grow. This isn’t easy — for you or for your parents! Good luck with your decision.
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If you're just trying out the harmless side of the sexual spectrum (dating, holding hands, kissing), there's little wrong with that; however, if your parents would have a fit if they saw you so much as eating ice cream with someone of the opposite sex, perhaps it would be best to keep such harmless activities from them until you’re older and you know they can handle it.
Anything more serious is ... dangerous. Before making such a decision, you should consider how important it is to be sexually active right *now.* Being sexually active invites many emotional issues that a young teen is often ill-equipped to deal with. On a health level, you need to consider the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection — you can get them even from oral sex. Sexual activity isn't something to be careless about. You really should be open with your parents if you're being sexually active; because they are best able to tell you how to protect yourself.
Expert’s Notes on Teen Response The teen response is a pretty good response — if the problem is a sexual one, and a heterosexual one at that! But we don’t know what kind of things the questioner has in mind. We only know “some things” were done. Like the teen expert, parents should not jump the gun and assume they know all about what the problem is.
Only considerate, relaxed, careful, and respectful conversation will allow kids to let their parents in on all of their concerns. The parents’ job is to listen intently, question carefully, and advise considerately — over and over again. Showing a child that you care, even when your advice is ignored, builds trust for the future. You can explain why you are disappointed that your advice was ignored. And you can be angry. But laying down ultimatums and imposing punishments are less likely to change behavior than assurances of love, good thinking, and reasonable compromise.
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