Most health care providers keep their clients' information confidential. It’s really important for patients to be completely honest with their doctors and health care providers — about everything, including their sexual histories. This is because clinicians need to get an accurate picture of a patient’s health and needs. Having as much information as possible allows a clinician to make the best medical decisions. Keeping someone’s information confidential helps promote patient openness and protect the doctor-patient relationship.

But for one reason or another, certain providers may not be able to guarantee complete confidentiality — sometimes this is because of the applicability of certain laws, other times it is a clinician’s personal choice. So, the health care provider may be able to tell you whether your daughter is having sex — if the doctor knows. In most cases, doctors will not know if their young patients are sexually active, unless their patients tell them.

It may be a better idea for you to ask your daughter if she’s having sex. When it comes to sexual matters, you can give her better information, advice, and support than she could get anywhere else! Perhaps your daughter would like to talk with you but is worried that you may act negatively — that’s the number-one reason why kids don’t talk with their parents about sex. It may be difficult to acknowledge that your daughter is sexual — let her know that. Break the ice by saying something like, “This is uncomfortable for me. My parents never had this conversation with me, but I would like you to know that I am here for you.” The most important thing is that your daughter knows you are open and available whenever she wants to talk.

Some doctors feel they don’t need to keep teen’s sexual health information confidential from their parents, so it’s possible that your daughter’s doctor will tell you. But this sounds like a question about privacy. Does your daughter have the right to keep certain parts of her life private? Yes! The worse thing parents can do is try to find out in a sneaky way if their teen is having sex. The best way to find out is to ask. What matters is not whether or not a teen is sexually active, but what will you do if she is? You can’t put a chastity belt on her or keep her locked up in her room. The only thing you can do is educate. Show your support and continue to be a loving parent. Have a serious chat with her, and express your thoughts — don’t scream, don’t be rigid — and most of all listen!

Expert’s Note on Teen Response
This teen understands that being honest and direct is usually the best way to go, that listening is crucial, and that forcefully imposing a parent’s will on a kid is very counterproductive and is likely to lead to trouble. The teen does overlook the real fact that it can be very helpful for parents to know whether their child is sexually active. Parents can play very important roles in helping their kids keep safe and healthy during their early sexual explorations. And nothing is more important than building the trust that is needed for that to happen. So we all need to start as early as we can.